I don’t know why psychologists don’t consider perfectionism as a mental problem or personality disorder; instead, they regard it as a personality trait. I once knew a perfectionist who took great pride in his perfectionism and constantly proclaimed himself as one, expecting everything to be done flawlessly. While I wasn’t privy to his personal life and the potential challenges he faced there, I did witness how his perfectionism had a destructive impact on a business partnership, turning two once-friendly partners into bitter enemies.
He was an incessant complainer as a customer, always asserting that he wasn’t receiving the services exactly as he desired. One of the partners, who lacked technical knowledge about the business and was merely an investor, believed that the other highly skilled partner wasn’t fulfilling his responsibilities adequately, thus leading to the perfectionist customer’s complaints. Despite having numerous other customers, this partner fixated solely on the perfectionist’s constant grievances.
As a consequence, the other partner became frustrated and stopped working, leading to a major conflict that ultimately resulted in the dissolution of the company. Even after 12 years, the two partners remain bitter enemies, all because of a perfectionist customer who was unaware of his condition and perceived his perfectionism as an admirable trait. From my perspective, the customer exhibited extremely unhealthy and obsessive behavior, in addition to his apparent perfectionism. Based on my experiences, perfectionism is a serious issue rooted in severe forms of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder or OCD. If left unresolved and uncontrolled, it can make life unbearable for the perfectionist and those around them.
I’ve always had a simple formula for dealing with such cases: I distance myself from these kinds of people immediately at the first signs of problems. Trying to help or change them is a big mistake; the best course of action is to stay away. Unfortunately, they often worsen over time, as they firmly believe they are flawless and that it is others who have the problems.
What Is Perfectionism?
As I mentioned earlier, from my point of view, perfectionism is a serious problem because I have witnessed how it causes suffering and prevents individuals, including the perfectionists themselves, from truly enjoying life. However, from a psychological perspective, perfectionism is a personality trait or mindset characterized by the relentless pursuit of flawless performance, setting extremely high standards for oneself, and striving for perfection in every aspect of life or specific domains. People with perfectionistic tendencies often have a deep fear of making mistakes or being perceived as inadequate by others. This drive for perfection can be applied to various areas of life, such as work, academics, relationships, appearance, and personal achievements.
There are two primary types of perfectionism:
Adaptive Perfectionism: This form of perfectionism involves setting high standards and striving for excellence in a healthy and balanced way. Individuals with adaptive perfectionism tend to view mistakes as learning opportunities and are more resilient when facing setbacks. They maintain a sense of satisfaction even if they don’t achieve absolute perfection.
Maladaptive Perfectionism: This type of perfectionism is characterized by unrealistic and unattainable standards, constant self-criticism, and an inability to accept anything less than perfect results. Individuals with maladaptive perfectionism often experience feelings of chronic dissatisfaction and may face emotional distress, anxiety, and low self-esteem when they perceive their performance as falling short of their exceedingly high expectations.
Perfectionism can have both positive and negative effects. On one hand, it can be a driving force for accomplishment and continuous improvement, leading to excellence in certain fields. On the other hand, it can be psychologically and emotionally draining, causing burnout, anxiety, depression, and strained relationships, especially when the pursuit of perfection becomes obsessive and all-encompassing.
It’s essential to recognize that perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence or having high standards. Striving for excellence involves a healthy pursuit of improvement without excessively harsh self-judgment, whereas perfectionism can be a rigid and detrimental mindset that hinders personal growth and well-being.
Dealing With a Perfectionist Is Painful
Being around a perfectionist person can have various effects on those close to them, and these effects may vary depending on the specific dynamics of the relationship and the intensity of the perfectionist tendencies. Here are some common ways in which people around a perfectionist person might suffer:
High Expectations and Pressure:
Perfectionists often have extremely high standards for themselves and others. People around them may feel constantly pressured to meet these unrealistic expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy and stress.
Fear of Judgment:
The fear of being judged by the perfectionist for not living up to their standards can create anxiety and a constant need to seek approval.
Constant Criticism:
Perfectionists tend to be highly critical, not only of themselves but also of others. Constant criticism and nitpicking can erode the self-esteem and confidence of those around them.
Difficulty in Communication:
Perfectionists may struggle with communication because they often have a rigid need for things to be done precisely a certain way. This can lead to difficulty in collaborating or compromising with others.
Strained Relationships:
The relentless pursuit of perfection can make it challenging to maintain healthy relationships. Others may feel unappreciated or undervalued, leading to strain in personal and professional connections.
Fear of Failure:
Perfectionists may avoid taking risks or trying new things due to the fear of making mistakes. This fear can be contagious and discourage others from stepping out of their comfort zones as well.
Burnout and Stress:
The constant drive for perfection can be mentally and emotionally draining for both the perfectionist and those around them. It may lead to burnout and increased stress levels.
Lack of Flexibility:
Perfectionists often have difficulty adapting to changes or unexpected situations, leading to inflexibility in various aspects of life.
Overemphasis on Results:
Perfectionists may prioritize the end result over the process or the well-being of individuals involved. This can lead to neglecting the importance of personal growth and learning from mistakes.
Reduced Innovation and Creativity:
The fear of imperfection can stifle creativity and innovation within a group or team. People may become hesitant to propose new ideas or take risks, hindering progress and growth.
It is essential to recognize that not all perfectionists exhibit extreme behaviors, and some may have adaptive perfectionism, which can be beneficial in certain situations. However, when perfectionism becomes maladaptive and negatively impacts individuals and relationships, it is important to address it and seek support if needed. Communication, understanding, and setting healthy boundaries can be helpful in managing the challenges associated with being around a perfectionist person.
Don’t be perfectionist. Be mindful: Are You Mindful or Mindless?
