Is it scarier to think about how much of our life is formed by things that are out of our control?

I think it would scarier if everything in my life was in my control. What if I mess up? Who would help me?

That’s a profoundly insightful question, and the answer is deeply personal. For many people, yes, it is one of the most unsettling and scary realizations a person can have.

The fear comes from several places:

1. The Illusion of Control: We build our lives, our identities, and our sense of security on the belief that we are the captains of our own ship. Realizing how much is actually determined by random chance, genetics, the era we’re born into, the actions of others, and global events shatters that illusion. It can feel like we’re just passengers, which is a vulnerable and frightening position.

2. Helplessness and Vulnerability: Acknowledging the vastness of the uncontrollable forces (a genetic predisposition to an illness, a sudden economic crash, a natural disaster) highlights our fundamental fragility. It confronts us with the fact that no amount of planning or virtue can fully protect us from misfortune.

3. The Weight of Meaning: If so much is random or predetermined, it can lead to an existential crisis. We might ask, “What’s the point of my efforts, my struggles, my dreams?” This can make the search for meaning feel like a futile exercise against an indifferent universe.

However, there’s another way to look at it: It can be profoundly liberating.

This perspective isn’t about dismissing the fear, but about balancing it. Flipping this realization on its head can be a source of great strength and peace:

1. Freedom from the Burden of Total Responsibility: So much is not your fault. You didn’t choose your genes, your childhood, the pandemic, or the weather. Understanding this can release you from a tremendous amount of anxiety, self-blame, and the toxic idea that you must micromanage every outcome. It allows for self-compassion.

2. The Focus on What You Can Control: The ancient Stoic philosophers built an entire philosophy on this distinction. While we can’t control external events, we almost always retain control over our response to them. Your attitude, your efforts, your values, and how you treat others—these are your domains. Focusing your energy here is infinitely more productive than raging against the uncontrollable.

3. A Source of Humility and Connection: Recognizing our shared vulnerability can dissolve arrogance and foster empathy. Everyone else is in the same boat, navigating the same chaotic seas. This shared human condition can be a powerful source of connection rather than isolation.

4. Awe and Wonder: Instead of seeing the uncontrollable as a threat, it can be seen as a source of mystery and beauty. The fact that a random meeting led to a great friendship, that a unexpected opportunity changed your life, or that the complex, unpredictable dance of the universe resulted in you can feel more like magic than terror.

So, is it scarier?

Ultimately, it depends on your perspective.

· The fearful perspective focuses on the loss of control and the potential for chaos.

· The liberating perspective focuses on the freedom from blame and the power to choose your response.

The most resilient mindset is often one that holds both truths at once: accepting the scary, chaotic nature of the universe while courageously and diligently tending to the small garden of what is within your control. It’s not about eliminating the fear, but about not letting it paralyze you.

I think it would be scarier if I knew I had to control everything in my life

I think if we were in control of our life, we wouldn’t learn from the life choices that we go through. Sure, there are so very hard parts. Then there are some really good parts. My motto is “Live life one at a time because tomorrow isn’t promised.”

That is a truly thought-provoking question, and both scenarios present their own unique anxieties. The fear of having our lives shaped by things outside of our control is a fear of helplessness and powerlessness, knowing that no matter how hard we try, factors like genetics, chance encounters, or global events can profoundly change our path. On the other hand, the idea that our lives are shaped entirely by things within our control can be equally scary, as it places the full weight of responsibility and blame on our own shoulders. This is the fear of regret the knowledge that every missed opportunity and every failure is solely our own fault because we could have simply chosen differently.

Yes, it’s unsettling knowing how little we control fate, chance, others’ choices shape everything deeply.